.tHE dIArY of A PaRAdOxiCaL MinD.

about a month ago, i started on a new job. its a job ive always wanted to have, a job that took me about three months to finally get, a job that could finally take me to the culmination of what and who i wanted to be.

the first week, to say the least, was hell. i guess i have not realized how overwhelmingly stressful it can be. and it was exactly that. which led me to believe a lot of different things. like if this was really the path for me, or if this is the right career. and i guess when you get thrown into the mix without prior warnings, you get all sorts of feelings of hesitation, disappointment, and fear. this is my first real take on the "real world", my first "real job". and i was starting to hate it.

now, one month later, on one of the few days off that i have, i had time to finally look up some of my friend’s profiles on this website. its so nice to see everybody doing something with their lives, be it a new career, a new relationship, pursuing higher studies. and that made me realize one thing. we are all growing up…together, although we are miles apart. i see my friends from college trying to aim higher and for the first time in months, i finally get to relate with the exhiliration and fear that comes with it.

my job is still overhwlemingly stressful until now but i am learning to live with it. its part of growing up, of starting to make a life for myself, of striking on my own. and that part, albeit small, that part that tells me that im starting to build something for myself, makes all the stress worthwhile, makes living in the "real world" the best decision i’ve ever had to made.

i saw the movie CRASH recently (on dvd). there have been many rave reviews about it so i decided to check it out for myself. its a very interesting movie. i guess it brings out a certain awareness about racism in our society. and, it also shows how interconnected we are to each other and how our actions affect and effect the actions of others. ive always believed that racism almost doesnt exist anymore because we live in a different age, a different time…

racism doesnt go away with time. it just transforms itself with the way people respond to other people’s nationality, color, or race.

its a sad reality. and its a reality that will never come to an end, at least, i think,  not in my lifetime.

it is never easy to let go. it is never easy to just move on when you are deeply connected to him. it is never easy to find someone that could fill the void that that loss has created. in the end, it all boils down to you. you cant rely on anybody to hold you up.  it all comes down to find the strength to hold you up and keep you going. and maybe, just maybe, all the hurt will be worth it. maybe in the end, you realize the pain you had would teach you something. sometimes, even if you dont want to do something, you have to…for your own good and for your own self-respect.

as hard as it is to understand and accept, maybe in certain cases, love will never be enough.

im not going to criticize any form of government in relation to this book (because it is not my place to do so…).i just think that it is a great reference for future leaders of any political system in how to keep power and how to make the people respect this power.

although some of the ideas are downright harsh, like, the passage– "that a leader must choose to be feared than  be loved" or something to that effect, if you read the book in its entirety, it actually makes a lot of sense, and, in a lot of ways, practical and very much applicable to the conditions of some political systems in this day and age.

im no Machiavellian expert but i appreciated his work. "The Prince" is a very direct approach to governance in whatever era. what i liked most about this book is that even though it was written in the early 1500’s, his ideas holds true until our present times.

let me babble for a moment.

most people i know do not understand me. i guess thats because i am not a typically open person. i usually keep to myself, generating more interest in knowing people than revealing stuff about myself. thats just me.

so im going to try to shed some light on how paradoxical i am. i am a creature of habit, choosing planning and structuring over spontaneity. i am the type of person who runs 2-3 miles every few days and yet eats a lot of dairy and bakes a lot of fudge brownies. i enjoy cold weather a lot but constantly complains about it. i have a very contradicting personality, which i think makes people a little heistant to approach me.

most people see me as an achiever, who puts a lot of time and effort on her studies. when i ask people what their first impression is, they usually say that i am somewhat unapproachable, ergo, a little cold. friends go to me for advice, impartial wisdom and encouragement. i lead…and lead well when given the chance.

strong personality is one of the qualities people see in me. and yes, i am strong.

but i guess what some do not get is how i crave to be on the other side of the fence. to be led instead of leading, to be understood instead of understanding, to be vulnerable, instead of strong, to be listened to instead of doing the listening.

and what perplexes me is that i have come to a point where i do not know where my own personality ends and people’s perception of me begins. i have overlapped my own sense of self with what they expect me to be.and more often than not, i have taken their expectations as my own.

some would call it hypocritical,well, maybe it is.

more than anything, i want the chance to come into my own. to set out on my own and achieve something for myself. i want to be able to set the standards for myself and achieve what i really want to achieve.

i think im starting all over again. now, im just beginning to find out who i really am, what my capabilities are. and its so hard to just consider what I WANT and not what others want…i want, more than anything, to break away from the rigidity of structure so i can find out what im made of.

thats me, revealed…maybe not entirely, but its better than nothing.

"it is through our differences that we can appreciate and understand the complexity of human emotions."

A light shining through
You're barely waking
And I'm tangled up in you
Yeah

But I'm open, you're closed
Where I follow, you'll go
I worry I won't see your face
Light up again

Even the best fall down sometimes
Even the wrong words seem to rhyme
Out of the doubt that fills my mind
I somehow find, you and I collide

I'm quiet, you know
You make a first impression
I've found I'm scared to know
I'm always on your mind

Even the best fall down sometimes
Even the stars refuse to shine
Out of the back you fall in time
You somehow find, you and I collide

Don't stop here
I've lost my place
I'm close behind

Even the best fall down sometimes
Even the wrong words seem to rhyme
Out of the doubt that fills your mind
You finally find, you and I collide

You finally find
You and I collide
You finally find
You and I collide

-collide (howie day.stop all the world now.2003)

wondering…

    wandering…

searching for a place to go.

faltering…

    still trying…

searching for something to call my own.

to love…

    to lose…

to try once again despite the tears.

to be strong…

    to break out…

battling rigidity, conquering fears.

to be understood…

    despite the complexities…

wanting to be accepted entirely.

to live…

    then die…

to find my purpose before its time.

to hold on…

    only to let go…

forsaking the pain, just to move on.

not knowing,

    forever groping.

what is it that i have always sought?

im lost…

    in this life…

wanting to belong.

craving to be found.

                              -gen tinio

right now, since i still have a lot of time on my hands, i am currently going in-between books. more specifically, 4 books. yes, my friends, i am currently reading 4 books, none of which are remotely related to one another. i think i do a chapter of each everyday. and its amazing that the stories don’t get mixed up in my puny brain (someone would get mad at my usage of "puny brain", sorry,hon…). anyway, as if i didnt have enough to read, just a few hours ago, i picked up yet another book from the local library (understand that i dont spend all my time at the library at the risk of someone mistaking me for a geek…i made a detour there after going to city hall to drop an application). so, yeah, i picked up a 5th book. its not that thick anyway so i assumed i would finish it in a jiffy. i got halfway through it on the way home. the book is called, "the prayer of jabez: breaking through to the blessed life". and no, im not going to enter the nunnery.it wasnt about that. this 91-page book was about a very simple prayer. and that, is the point of this blog. to make this short, i would like to share a prayer, which according to the author "a daring prayer that God always answers."

"Oh that You would bless me indeed, and enlarge my territory, that Your hand would be with me, and that You would keep me from evil, that i may not cause pain." (1 Chronicles 4:9-10)

the story of jabez in the bible consists of about 2 lines. "now jabez was more honorable than his brothers, and his mother called his name jabez, saying ‘because i bore him in pain.’" and then, comes the prayer. thats all the Bible says about jabez. so why is this prayer such a big deal? it is because although jabez was such a simple person, all he had ever wanted to do was to do things beyond his limitations, for God. jabez, asked God to bless him so that he could do more and be more than what he is.

now, im no preacher. and im not as religious as i want to be. but i think this book has changed my view about prayer. and maybe, if you are not the prayerful type, as most are, if there is one verse that we could all say it would be the prayer of jabez, so that like him, we could be more and try our darndest to reach out beyond our limitations and do more.

this book is a keeper (well, i cant exactly keep it coz its "public property") but i’ll definitely buy one for myself just in case i forget what a simple yet earnest prayer can really do.

Amen.

the prayer of jabez:breaking through to the blessed life.by: bruce wilkinson.2000

Over the past couple of months, i have gone through a roller coaster of changes. i have been uprooted from home, moved from one place to another, tried to get along with people i have never seen before, and tried to make the best of whatever has been given me. and since i am still on the hunt for a job, i have had a lot of time to come to grips with some aspects of my life. i have come to some basic, sometimes outlandish (sometimes corny) realizations.

Here goes:

1. Prayer is one of the best weapons anyone can have. It really, really can change your life if you are persistent and a believer.

2. Some people, no matter how hard you try to be nice to them, are out to make your life miserable for no reason at all, even though you are related to each other.

3. A lot of people believe in money over loyalty..that is, familial loyalty. Yeah, money does talk…in loud volumes.

4. The song line, "be weak…if you want to love",(fra lippo lippi) is not entirely true in most cases. Strength (in every aspect of the word), is very necessary in a relationship..especially, emotional strength.

5. Insecurity drives a lot of people to do and say things they do not mean. Putting up with it once or twice or even thrice is okay..but a fourth or fifth? Not so much.

6. To love is easy..to trust, not as easy.

7. It is important to find a person who can stimulate your mind.

8. Despite what many people believe, the world is not just black-and-white anymore. That is just too idealistic.

9. Sometimes, it is necessary for other people to tell you that they believe in you before you believe in yourself.

10. Making a choice (even if it is the wrong one), is better than making no choice at all. It is necessary to make a stand that is entirely your own.

11. "Im sorry" and "Thank you" go a long way. "I love you"…even longer.

12. It is not fair to dig up "old issues" when you’re in a fight with someone about "present issues". Past is past, after all.

13. The first imporant thing to furnish when moving into a new place is the kitchen.

14. Most dwell in what they do not have rather than appreciate and make the most of what they do have. So, the complaining begins.

15. Having ambitions for yourself is something which must never disappear. To settle for mediocrity should never be an option.

16. In this world, there will always be someone smarter, prettier..in short, someone better. Thats the way it is. But, to someone’s eyes, you are the best. It is always better to accept that rather than question it.

17. From a fortune cookie, "it is always darkest just before the dawn."

So there…not entirely profound, but they are lessons Ive learned so far. Make sense? To you, maybe not…but to me, they speak volumes…(its my blog..i can write whatever..right?) It is always hard to live up to a certain idealogy and i am far from being perfect, but these realizations have made me feel more at peace with the world.

Peace, out… =)

Somebody..(i cant remember who..) gave this particular piece to me a couple of years ago and i was surprised to find it while i was cleaning out my closet (literally)…i thought id share it to my faithful readers (i think i have about 3…) because it is so fitting to our lives and it strikes a cord in a certain aspect of the way we live or lives…so read on, think, and enjoy…

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we have taller buildings, but shorter tempers

wider freeways, but narrower viewpoints,

we buy and spend more but enjoy it less;

we have bigger houses and smaller families

more convenience but less time;

we have more degrees, but less common sense;

more knowledge but less judgment;

more experts but more problems;

more medicine, but less wellness.

we spend too recklessly, laugh too little, drive too fast,

get angry too quickly, stay up too late, get too tired,

read seldom, watch too much TV, and pray seldom.

we have multiplied our possessions, but reduced our values.

we have talked too much, loved too seldom and lied so often.

we have learned how to make a living, but not a life;

we have added years to our life, not life to years.

we’ve been all the way to moon and back;

but have troubles crossing the street to meet the new neighbor.

we’ve conquered outer space, but not inner space;

we’ve done larger things, but not better things;

we’ve cleaned the air, but polluted the soil;

we’ve split the atom, but not our prejudice;

we write more, but learn less;

plan more but accomplish less.

we’ve learned to rush, but not to wait;

we have higher income, but lower morals;

more food but less appeasement;

more acquaintances but fewer friends;

more efforts but less success.

we build more computers to hold more information,

to produce more copies tha ever, but have less communication.

we’ve become too much on quantity, but short on quality.

these are the times of fast foods and slow digestion

tall men and short character

steep profits, and shallow relationships.

these are the times of world peace but domestic warfare;

more leisure and less fun;

more kinds of food but less nutrition

these are the days of quick trips, disposable diapers, throw-away morality, one-night stands,

and pills that do everything to cheer, to quit, to kill.

it is the time when there are too much in the show window

and nothing in the stock room.

think about it and read again.

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makes perfect sense doesnt it?? it kinda makes you think a little..if not more…